Stage 1: Denial

"I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.

I hate to sound overly dramatic and I hate to demean anything so serious as death, but... quitting smoking is like watching your best friend die right in front of your eyes, even though you have the power to pull him up to safety at any time.

Now this would normally be where a smart man makes insightful and witty observations to flesh out why quitting smoking is like grieving, but really I'd rather just stick with the jarring thesis and let people disagree with me.

I have quit smoking before, loads of times. I've used patches, and nicotine gum, bubble yum, chew, dip, big league chew. I always wondered what quitting would be like without these little guys helping me out. Honestly, when the urge to smoke hits you like a solid right hook from a drunken frat boy who's girl you just pinched, it doesn't feel like anything can really help you. Not a gum, or a shot, or a kick in the nuts, just a cigarette and only a cigarette can stop you from feeling like you want to go into a blind rage and wake up on the ground in an empty lot, covered in blood, and wearing tattered purple pants.


So, this time i quit with no aids, no help, no pills. Nothing to chew, spit, slap on, shoot up, pop, or smoke, and here's the difference:

I feel like a demon has managed to set me on fire in a vat of ice water.

I'm dizzy, I'm nauseous, I literally feel my muscles bunching up all around me. My right eye is nearly popped and bloodshot, i hear loud ringing noises, and my stomach is cramped so tight i think I might be the first dude to get his period, which is good because at least I'm not pregnant.

So, what I've learned today is that those products that are supposed to help you quit smoking, don't really make it easier to actively choose not to smoke, but they do ward off curses from roving covens of sadistic witches who like to see if they can turning quitting smokers into laundry lists of viagra side effects.


Also, my entire office has been replaced with a bunch of insensitive pricks who get on my nerves. And no I'm not stupid, i know this is obviously about me quitting smoking... they're all jealous that I"m finally quitting so they've decided to become insufferable dicks.