Stage 2: Anger

Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

I don't want to sound too much like a whiny brat, but here's a list of things that have pissed me off since i've started to quit smoking:

1. my boss
no brainer
2. my coworkers
they don't deserve it
3. every single moron that doesn't immediately know how to use a subway turnstyle
(it fucking spins. It spins in one direction, and the ten people ahead of you gave you a perfect demonstration of what you're supposed to do. When it's your turn, please don't stick your hand out to stop it like a fan blade, then run head first at it, thereby creating a spiky wall of death which i have to dodge through to get to work tne minutes late)
4. the sick passenger on the train that delayed my morning by 12 minutes.
If i wanted traffic, i'd drive to work every morning, with an iced dunkin donuts coffee, screaming at republican radio morning anouncers and literally driving with the finger extended up and out of my window every morning. Also, I'd be smoking damnit, chain smoking one after another until i got to work looking green and smelling like a musky onion.
5. the cute girl who agreed to go out on a date with me, then proceeded to have a wonderful date
seriously i have no reason to be angry at this girl, except that even at the height of a great date, i found myself craving a cigarette while staring at her from across a dim lit table over a nice dessert.


Which brings me to my next point. Cigarettes were always exactly what i needed them to be when i needed them. These perfect little time wasters, stop watches, excuses to leave, work breaks, props.

Have 10 minutes before that next train?
light up.
Should you call and see if she's here yet?
how about you have one smoke, and call her when you're finished
Date's not going well?
first, admit you're a smoker, then leave her alone at the table for 10 minutes while you bullshit with the doorman about who was the better dumbledore (NYC doorman aren't always the toughest dudes). By the time you make it back inside she'll be more than ready to call it a night
Just finished a mildly mundane assignment for the boss?
I just sat down and did work for a solid 7 minutes... round up the troops let's stand in the blizzard and bitch about how rough work is

I just remember reaching for a cigarette and lighting up while talking shit i should never have spouted at a bar, and let the glowing ember roll back and forth in front some asshole's face while i just prayed for him to take the first swing.

I remember after a full night of all out fighting with an ex girlfriend, dropping my head and lighting up a cigarette before asking for ten minutes to talk things out like rational human beings. Lighting her up one and passing it to her like Humphrey Bogart.

And I remember again lying naked tangled in the same blanket like a two person toga, with cigarettes dangling off our lips, love in our eyes, and exchanging the solemn yet utterly retarded promise to "never fight again."


I guess it feels now like i'm not accentuating life's finer moments like i used to. Was a time after leaving a perfect date, after a perfect date on a street corner in midtown manhattan, that I'd scurry around the next corner and light up.

I'd reminisce about the great conversation, the great meal, and roll around in the ecstasy of a great night, but not this time. This time I took no more than a second to smirk about a night went well, and scurried into grand central station to catch a late train home. Not even pausing at the door for one last drag as i scurried into the warm.